Rebecca syndrome: When jealousy over past relationships becomes a haunting obsession

Everyone has a past. It's highly unlikely to stumble upon a person with a completely clean slate and ironically, even the absence of a past may raise eyebrows. Ideally, it would serve one better to focus on the present than obsess over a partner's romantic histories. But many seem to indulge to an unhealthy extent in their partners' past romantic relationships. Why is this so, and when does it turn dangerous? Here, we delve into the issue.

Every couple inevitably faces this crucial conversation. Procrastinating it or excessively dwelling on it is not constructive. The past is meant to stay in the past, but sadly, many tend to obsess over their partner's past relationships. It commences innocently enough: typing their names into search engines, scrutinizing their social media profiles or photographs on Instagram. Gradually, subtle questions about a former flame begin to pop up and eventually, they morph into a full-blown investigation.

Increasingly, many women find themselves habitually fixating on an individual they perceive as a threat. In efforts to either compare themselves to this person or mimic them, an unhealthy fixation, otherwise known as Rebecca Syndrome, begins to form.

Rebecca is the titular character from a renowned novel by British author Daphne du Maurier, which was first published in 1938. The popularity of this gothic thriller soared thanks to film adaptations by Alfred Hitchcock (1940), and later by Ben Wheatley for Netflix in 2020. The novel tells the story of Rebecca, a young and naive woman who marries a wealthy widower, Maxim. She struggles to fit in her new environment, overshadowed by Maxim's deceased first wife, a woman of beauty and sophistication who is widely deemed superior to Rebecca.

The vast mansion is littered with relics of the first wife, who is fondly remembered by all. Overwhelmed by her apparent inability to measure up, Rebecca develops an obsessive fixation, and as the story progresses, the specter of the first wife starts haunting her.

Jealousy over previous relationships is not as uncommon as one might presume. It primarily affects women, who are more prone to overanalyzing situations and interpreting malicious undertones, especially in relationships. This could stem from low self-esteem or negative experiences. Men could inadvertently cultivate Rebecca Syndrome if they frequently reminisce about their exes, seemingly to reinforce their self-worth. Living alongside the phantom of an ex can be challenging, but there are ways to overcome this.

Managing jealousy requires introspection and fostering a strong sense of self-worth. It could be beneficial requesting your partner to minimize reminiscing about their ex. The same token applies to mutual acquaintances, who ought to steer clear of sensitive topics in the presence of a new partner. Remind yourself daily that the past is history, and what truly matters is the present. Over time, this wisdom will hopefully take root.