LifestyleEmbarrassing problem in a relationship. "He didn't shower nor did he brush his teeth"

Embarrassing problem in a relationship. "He didn't shower nor did he brush his teeth"

Lack of hygiene in one of the partners is a harbinger of problems
Lack of hygiene in one of the partners is a harbinger of problems
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6:09 AM EDT, October 22, 2023, updated: 4:27 AM EDT, October 23, 2023

People change during a relationship - and it's a natural progression. It's harder to accept when a partner changes their habits and stops caring about hygiene. "Clearly, Nate decided that if he doesn't leave the house, there's no point in making an effort. He could go without bathing for three days. He didn't shower nor did he brush his teeth," Eva complains.

When Eva met Nate, he was working in a corporation, regularly went to the barber, wore blazers - and although he avoided the gym by a mile, he was in good shape. Eva doesn't hide that physical appearance matters a lot to her, she takes good care of herself, even though she emphasizes that she "doesn't overdo it in this respect". The problem in their relationship arose when the pandemic started.

– Nate started working from home, as did I. But while I handled the situation well, since I had often worked remotely before, he was completely unable to adapt – the woman recalls.

Neglecting hygiene

- Not only did he start failing at work, but he apparently decided that since he doesn't leave the house, there's no need to try. Nate would walk around the apartment in his underwear, and at meetings he usually didn't turn on the camera. The fact that he hadn't been to a hairdresser was of course completely understandable, but the worst thing was that he stopped taking care of his hygiene. He could go without bathing for three days. He didn't shower, nor did he brush his teeth. And while we used to share household duties, then everything fell on me, he left a complete mess behind - she says.

- I guess I don't have to say that our sex life died. I was disgusted even to kiss him. In the beginning, I tried to gently draw his attention to it, it didn't work. Finally, I told him straight out, but he was offended at first, then thought I was being fussy, and according to him "he didn't smell at all". He didn't talk to me for a few days - adds Eva.

The situation slightly improved when Nate had to return to office work - but Eva doesn't hide that she was strongly put off by her partner.

– At least he started washing himself again, but he still had some sloppy habits. He became lazy, didn't want to go out and drive anymore. When I pointed it out to him, he said that I should love him for who he is. But I fell in love with a completely different guy. And I believe that if I mattered to him, he would also take care of himself. Talking didn't bring any results. We ended up breaking up - she summarizes sadly.

Neglecting self-care may indicate depression

Sexologist points out that, at first, you should consider what you understand by "neglect". - Typically, we're talking about stylish, fresh, and attractive clothing. Sometimes, men take it a step further and neglect personal hygiene. At times, women complain that their husband has "let himself go" and they mainly see him in stretched out sweatpants and house slippers - says the expert, stressing that there could be numerous reasons for such a state.

- As the relationship matures, the hormones of lust and desire no longer affect us so strongly. A man, who in a very basic sense "won over" a woman, may subconsciously feel that he no longer needs to strive.

The expert points out that it is important to ask: has the change in the level of care about one's appearance been gradual, or did it occur from one day to the next?

- In both cases it may indicate mental health problems, for example depression - she says. - If it's a sudden change, you should also look into other aspects of your partner's behavior. Do they sleep more, or perhaps they started suffering from insomnia? Unusual behaviors for them may suggest that your partner needs psychological help. How to get out of this situation? Certainly not through silent days or being upset. You need to be sincere, even if it's difficult. Talk about your feelings, about missing how it used to be when you started dating. If every such discussion ends in an argument, it's a sign that it might be worth going to couples therapy.

"I understood that I cannot lose myself"

"In my office, I see that the disappearance of romance and eroticism is a result of both partners' behavior and approach. We all need acceptance, compliments, and appreciation," says the sexologist. "In our culture, heterosexual men often tie their worth to the feeling of being attractive to women. If his beloved wife or partner no longer gives him smoldering looks, if she no longer says that he looks sexy in his new shirt, he may decide that it's not worth the effort."

Olivia was always elegant, she regularly played sports, read a lot, and had many passions. As she admits, she is the one who "neglected herself" in the relationship.

– My husband, Ben, really wanted to have a child; I did too, but I wasn't in a hurry, I thought we'd start trying in a while. We conceived, even though I was taking the pill. I had a very rough pregnancy, so I started to let myself go, I ate what I fancied, I wore comfortable but average-looking clothes, I didn't want to dye my hair – she shares. – After the birth, I focused on the child and completely neglected other issues. For a year, then the next, and then another one.

She was so focused on the child that she didn't notice she and her husband were beginning to drift apart. – I stopped reading because I got out of the habit, I didn't do anything for myself. Ben didn't pressure me to immediately return to my previous form, I didn't feel any pressure from him, he supported me, but… I could see he didn't look at me the same way anymore. And I don't blame him at all. In sweats all day, eating for two, so I gained 66 lbs. I used to love going to the gym, but I got so lazy I didn't even want to go for a walk - recalls Olivia.

- We only discussed current affairs because I lost interest in the world. And Ben didn't say anything because he didn't want to hurt me. All in all, I regret he didn't shake me up earlier. Ultimately, we ended up in couples therapy, where he finally had to say what was on his heart. At first, I got angry, then I broke down, and finally started taking care of myself. Now, thankfully, I feel good in my own body again and even though the child is the most important to me, I realized that I can't lose myself - she concludes.

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